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"Jenn"
(Self-Portrait Using Crayola Crayons 64pk) |
As the last few days of "my thirties" comes to an end and I'm thrust forward into a new decade, I find myself pondering...
What have I got to show for it? Well... Hmmm...
I look back and see a blur of the past twenty -to even as far back as thirty-five- years (yes I still have memories from when I was a wee little lass) and have come to conclusion that I think I've accomplished far more than I give myself credit for.
But right at this moment, my biggest personal accomplishment was that I survived.
I lived in a home where memories of bad times overshadowed any memories of good times. I was surrounded by different kinds of abuse for a lot of my early life. The details may shock you... or they may not. But the moments were very real, they did happen and I will never forget how they have affected me. But I won't just list them here. If you want to know, just ask and I'll tell you. (*This is more for the people who only know half the story and want to know MY side of what I had to go through so that they can stop trying to guilt me into doing what THEY think the "right thing for me to do" is. So I leave it to you...) But I managed to get through it day by day. Hanging on to the promise of tomorrow. And much to my surprise...
I survived.
I wanted to continue into post secondary education. So I decided to go to college. Sadly, I didn't finish my schooling. But I definitely learned some valuable life skills in that time. I was learning what it meant to take responsibility for my actions and that I had no one to answer to but myself for my triumphs and my failures. I was learning to make hard (even heartbreaking) decisions. I was learning to bask in the pleasure of a good decision and learning what it meant to struggle in the regret of a poor decision. I was learning to search my heart for what I wanted and what I needed. I began a journey of self discovery. Going to college and realizing that I could choose my own path, was the first step. It was liberating. It was terrifying. But...
I survived.
I got a retail job while going to school and moved away from home and lived on Mister Noodles for months at a time...
I survived.
I lived on my own in a tiny little apartment for a time. The ultimate test of freedom and accountability...
I survived.
I found a wonderful job as a music teacher. Dealing with days and nights of trial and error. I was discovering what worked and what didn't work for each individual student. I was learning to trust my instincts and going with what I knew and then to successfully pass that knowledge onto my student. I loved seeing my students learning music. I loved listening to them. I loved seeing the moment that realization hit them when they understood what I was asking them to do. I loved to see them doing well. I loved helping them when they were not doing so well... *sigh* Although it broke my heart to have to stop... I never forgot how much joy it brought me...
And I survived.
I fell in love... I found someone who would listen to me; someone who would help me get through my pain; someone who would fight for me; someone who loves me unconditionally. On occasion he was even someone who kicked my ass when I needed it. But don't get me wrong. It was rocky. There were challenges... There still are and I know there always will be. But...
I, and my heart, clearly survived and I know WE'LL survive together. ~.^
I got married... I managed to get through the wedding unscathed and beaming like a goof. I am one lucky girl. I've never felt more loved and cherished in all my life. I love my husband with all that I have and all that I am. He makes me feel strong. I couldn't possibly have found someone more perfect for me than him. I love what we have together. But as with everything... You need to work hard for the things that mean the most. In our relationship I learned a fabulous new word... COMPROMISE! :) My partnership with my husband is full of tougher decisions. But instead of them affecting just me, they now affect us. At first it was weird going from "me" to "us." It was certainly an adjustment. I had to swallow my pride... a lot! But again...
I survived.
I gave birth to my wonderful boy. I had an incredibly boring pregnancy only to be thrown more excitement than I thought I could handle when it came time to deliver the young lad into the world. From the induction of childbirth to my epidural malfunctioning. My husband was my rock. He was as strong as he needed to be to get me through it. I felt as though my world was going to end. And although I felt like I was going to die, I didn't. Hence...
I survived.
I'm a mommy now. The toughest role I could have ever imagined but at the same time the most rewarding. I've made mistakes and I've done things I'm not proud of. But I've learned that just because I'm a mommy doesn't mean I have all the answers. No one ever told me they were sorry while I was growing up. No one ever thought they were making any mistakes. I'm always learning. I'm always making a lot of right and wrong decisions. That will never go away. When the decision is right, it's magical how smoothly everything goes. But making the wrong decisions... that's where things get a bit hairy. But I will tell you that the most wonderful and beautiful thing about dealing with my poor decision is looking at my son, telling him how much I love him and how sorry I am. Then seeing him run into my arms to tell me "it's ok" and/or "I'm sorry, too!" And then hearing him tell me how much he loves me... As incredible as this mommyhood stuff is... will always be a challenge. But I know...
I'll survive.
(Hmmm... It's funny looking at everything laid out in front of me as I write this post. I see my view changing. This wasn't where I was planing to go with this post. But here I am... As I grow more confident and proud in the realization of where this is taking me... This is turning out to be quite the therapy for me. I needed to do this for me.)
Everything that has happened in my life has gotten me to THIS moment. I've learned so much. I've learned so much about myself. And I realize more and more that with each passing moment that I had "survived", I was on my way to living. Living a life of my own making. To be honest it now gives me a sense of pride knowing what I've done and all that I have accomplished to get where I am today...
So I will no longer question what I have to show for my years on this earth. I will simply say...
"Just look at me. I am here! I am living this life! THIS is what I have to show for it! And I couldn't be happier or more proud. So Forty (and beyond), Ready or not... Here I Come! Bring. It. ON!"
(I want to say thank you to the family and friends who have helped me along the way. Your guidance, support and love have been everything to me. I love you all so much! *love and hugs forever*)
