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| "Eggcarton Tulip" by K (in preschool class) "Beaded Bottle Decoration" by K (at home) |
*sigh*
I'm now at a point where I realize that for the past five years I've been a mommy (and of course a wife...) and really that's all. I like to think that I put everything I have into my family and for that I have absolutely no regrets. But as September grows closer I am finding it difficult to find purpose beyond what my life was these past five years...
I could try to go back to what I knew before my son came along. But I'm not the same person I was back then. My thoughts, dreams & goals were that of a completely different person. Sooo... What do I do now?
I have to admit I am a bit scared. I'm afraid of not knowing where I'm headed. My thoughts occupy two different poles. I either have no direction at all OR I feel scattered and stretched in all different directions. But honestly? I'm mostly afraid of disappointing people with the choices I make. I know. I know. I shouldn't care... but... well... I do. And that's just part of who I am... It really is.
The thing is... I've grown up surrounded by disappointment, a serious lack of encouragement and a sense of little-to-no self worth. I was bombarded by this on a daily basis while growing up and it got to the point where I had become numb to all of it. All I knew was that I've disappointed people and people have grossly disappointed me. And that's just the way the world works. So I learned to NOT have any kind of expectations (whether high or low) for myself or for others around me. That way I didn't have to worry about disappointing others and they, in turn, couldn't disappoint me. Basically I didn't care and I didn't have to answer to anyone... Not even to myself.
It wasn't until I met someone who actually wanted to know what my dreams were and really wanted to try and make them happen for me. Then I found that there were people who honestly thought I could make something of myself. That I could make a difference somehow. People who tried really hard to help me realize that I NEEDED to make a difference, if for no-one else, then for myself. Up until now I thought I was only affecting MY life. But now... There is one other (little) person's opinion that I have to consider. The opinion of my impressionable little boy.
How can I possibly teach and encourage my son "to work hard towards his goals", "to believe nothing is impossible" and "to follow his dreams" when I haven't been doing that for myself? The answer is simple... Either I can become a hypocrite and lie to him about how "this is exactly where I want to be" and that "all my life's goals are completely fulfilled" and to "do as I say, not as I do..." In which the end result is me wandering this earth miserable as sh!t on the inside and loaded with regret. OR... I suck it up and work like hell to find my happiness so that I can be the kind of person that my son could look up to and be proud of.
Hmmm... Tough choice, right?
I think not! Now my only road block is... Where the hell do I start!?!?
*facepalm*
Blargh! I'm right back where I started!
But... At least this time I know what direction to head in... *phew*
I have to admit I am a bit scared. I'm afraid of not knowing where I'm headed. My thoughts occupy two different poles. I either have no direction at all OR I feel scattered and stretched in all different directions. But honestly? I'm mostly afraid of disappointing people with the choices I make. I know. I know. I shouldn't care... but... well... I do. And that's just part of who I am... It really is.
The thing is... I've grown up surrounded by disappointment, a serious lack of encouragement and a sense of little-to-no self worth. I was bombarded by this on a daily basis while growing up and it got to the point where I had become numb to all of it. All I knew was that I've disappointed people and people have grossly disappointed me. And that's just the way the world works. So I learned to NOT have any kind of expectations (whether high or low) for myself or for others around me. That way I didn't have to worry about disappointing others and they, in turn, couldn't disappoint me. Basically I didn't care and I didn't have to answer to anyone... Not even to myself.
It wasn't until I met someone who actually wanted to know what my dreams were and really wanted to try and make them happen for me. Then I found that there were people who honestly thought I could make something of myself. That I could make a difference somehow. People who tried really hard to help me realize that I NEEDED to make a difference, if for no-one else, then for myself. Up until now I thought I was only affecting MY life. But now... There is one other (little) person's opinion that I have to consider. The opinion of my impressionable little boy.
How can I possibly teach and encourage my son "to work hard towards his goals", "to believe nothing is impossible" and "to follow his dreams" when I haven't been doing that for myself? The answer is simple... Either I can become a hypocrite and lie to him about how "this is exactly where I want to be" and that "all my life's goals are completely fulfilled" and to "do as I say, not as I do..." In which the end result is me wandering this earth miserable as sh!t on the inside and loaded with regret. OR... I suck it up and work like hell to find my happiness so that I can be the kind of person that my son could look up to and be proud of.
Hmmm... Tough choice, right?
I think not! Now my only road block is... Where the hell do I start!?!?
*facepalm*
Blargh! I'm right back where I started!
But... At least this time I know what direction to head in... *phew*
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