A New Beginning... And A New Direction!

Hello all!

I know it's been way too long but life has taken some turns (mostly in the areas of career and hobby stuff) and now it's time to accelerate and lean into those turns! Woohoo! ;)

First of all,  I'm still knitting, designing, creating art, and crafting up a storm. So expect to see creative stuff!

Second of all, I'm focusing on my voiceovers more these days and I may try to post some voice samples to my blog just to get my voice out there.

Thirdly, every now and then I may want to review a book (or several) that has inspired and moved me! Be it fiction (with mostly an emphasis on romance) or books on knitting patterns, arts & craft projects, and perhaps even inspiring books on teaching and education.

Which leads me to my new direction in life...

Starting in September... I begin my training to be an educational assistant. Making a difference in children's lives has always made me happy. So I'm going to give this everything I've got!

Well there you have it! A new beginning. I stand at the start of this new career path and to be honest... I am excited... And terrified! :D

*fingers crossed*

I Survived My Life So I Could Finally Live It!

"Jenn"
(Self-Portrait Using Crayola Crayons 64pk)

As the last few days of "my thirties" comes to an end and I'm thrust forward into a new decade, I find myself pondering...

What have I got to show for it? Well... Hmmm...

I look back and see a blur of the past twenty -to even as far back as thirty-five- years (yes I still have memories from when I was a wee little lass) and have come to conclusion that I think I've accomplished far more than I give myself credit for.

But right at this moment, my biggest personal accomplishment was that I survived.

I lived in a home where memories of bad times overshadowed any memories of good times.  I was surrounded by different kinds of abuse for a lot of my early life. The details may shock you... or they may not. But the moments were very real, they did happen and I will never forget how they have affected me. But I won't just list them here. If you want to know, just ask and I'll tell you. (*This is more for the people who only know half the story and want to know MY side of what I had to go through so that they can stop trying to guilt me into doing what THEY think the "right thing for me to do" is. So I leave it to you...) But I managed to get through it day by day. Hanging on to the promise of tomorrow. And much to my surprise...
I survived.

I wanted to continue into post secondary education. So I decided to go to college. Sadly, I didn't finish my schooling. But I definitely learned some valuable life skills in that time. I was learning what it meant to take responsibility for my actions and that I had no one to answer to but myself for my triumphs and my failures. I was learning to make hard (even heartbreaking) decisions. I was learning to bask in the pleasure of a good decision and learning what it meant to struggle in the regret of a poor decision. I was learning to search my heart for what I wanted and what I needed. I began a journey of self discovery. Going to college and realizing that I could choose my own path, was the first step. It was liberating. It was terrifying. But...
I survived.

I got a retail job while going to school and moved away from home and lived on Mister Noodles for months at a time...
I survived.

I lived on my own in a tiny little apartment for a time. The ultimate test of freedom and accountability...
I survived.

I found a wonderful job as a music teacher. Dealing with days and nights of trial and error. I was discovering what worked and what didn't work for each individual student. I was learning to trust my instincts and going with what I knew and then to successfully pass that knowledge onto my student. I loved seeing my students learning music. I loved listening to them. I loved seeing the moment that realization hit them when they understood what I was asking them to do.  I loved to see them doing well. I loved helping them when they were not doing so well... *sigh* Although it broke my heart to have to stop... I never forgot how much joy it brought me...
And I survived.

I fell in love... I found someone who would listen to me; someone who would help me get through my pain; someone who would fight for me; someone who loves me unconditionally. On occasion he was even someone who kicked my ass when I needed it. But don't get me wrong. It was rocky. There were challenges... There still are and I know there always will be. But...
I, and my heart, clearly survived and I know WE'LL survive together. ~.^

I got married... I managed to get through the wedding unscathed and beaming like a goof. I am one lucky girl. I've never felt more loved and cherished in all my life. I love my husband with all that I have and all that I am. He makes me feel strong. I couldn't possibly have found someone more perfect for me than him. I love what we have together. But as with everything... You need to work hard for the things that mean the most. In our relationship I learned a fabulous new word... COMPROMISE! :) My partnership with my husband is full of tougher decisions. But instead of them affecting just me, they now affect us. At first it was weird going from "me" to "us." It was certainly an adjustment. I had to swallow my pride... a lot! But again...
I survived.

I gave birth to my wonderful boy. I had an incredibly boring pregnancy only to be thrown more excitement than I thought I could handle when it came time to deliver the young lad into the world. From the induction of childbirth to my epidural malfunctioning. My husband was my rock. He was as strong as he needed to be to get me through it. I felt as though my world was going to end. And although I felt like I was going to die, I didn't. Hence...
I survived.

I'm a mommy now. The toughest role I could have ever imagined but at the same time the most rewarding. I've made mistakes and I've done things I'm not proud of. But I've learned that just because I'm a mommy doesn't mean I have all the answers. No one ever told me they were sorry while I was growing up. No one ever thought they were making any mistakes. I'm always learning. I'm always making a lot of right and wrong decisions. That will never go away. When the decision is right, it's magical how smoothly everything goes. But making the wrong decisions... that's where things get a bit hairy. But I will tell you that the most wonderful and beautiful thing about dealing with my poor decision is looking at my son, telling him how much I love him and how sorry I am. Then seeing him run into my arms to tell me "it's ok" and/or "I'm sorry, too!" And then hearing him tell me how much he loves me... As incredible as this mommyhood stuff is... will always be a challenge. But I know...
I'll survive.

(Hmmm... It's funny looking at everything laid out in front of me as I write this post. I see my view changing. This wasn't where I was planing to go with this post. But here I am... As I grow more confident and proud in the realization of where this is taking me... This is turning out to be quite the therapy for me. I needed to do this for me.)

Everything that has happened in my life has gotten me to THIS moment. I've learned so much. I've learned so much about myself. And I realize more and more that with each passing moment that I had "survived", I was on my way to living. Living a life of my own making. To be honest it now gives me a sense of pride knowing what I've done and all that I have accomplished to get where I am today...

So I will no longer question what I have to show for my years on this earth. I will simply say...

"Just look at me. I am here! I am living this life! THIS is what I have to show for it! And I couldn't be happier or more proud. So Forty (and beyond), Ready or not... Here I Come! Bring. It. ON!"

(I want to say thank you to the family and friends who have helped me along the way. Your guidance, support and love have been everything to me. I love you all so much! *love and hugs forever*)

Me: Well... What Do I Do Now?

"Eggcarton Tulip" by K (in preschool class)
"Beaded Bottle Decoration" by K (at home)

My darling boy is four and a half years old and he'll be going into kindergarten in the fall. Where has the time gone? It just seems like yesterday he was just learning to eat solid food.

*sigh*

I'm now at a point where I realize that for the past five years I've been a mommy (and of course a wife...) and really that's all. I like to think that I put everything I have into my family and for that I have absolutely no regrets. But as September grows closer I am finding it difficult to find purpose beyond what my life was these past five years...

I could try to go back to what I knew before my son came along. But I'm not the same person I was back then. My thoughts, dreams & goals were that of a completely different person. Sooo... What do I do now?

I have to admit I am a bit scared. I'm afraid of not knowing where I'm headed. My thoughts occupy two different poles. I either have no direction at all OR I feel scattered and stretched in all different directions. But honestly?  I'm mostly afraid of disappointing people with the choices I make. I know. I know. I shouldn't care... but... well... I do. And that's just part of who I am... It really is.

The thing is... I've grown up surrounded by disappointment, a serious lack of encouragement and a sense of little-to-no self worth. I was bombarded by this on a daily basis while growing up and it got to the point where I had become numb to all of it. All I knew was that I've disappointed people and people have grossly disappointed me. And that's just the way the world works. So I learned to NOT have any kind of expectations (whether high or low) for myself or for others around me. That way I didn't have to worry about disappointing others and they, in turn, couldn't disappoint me. Basically I didn't care and I didn't have to answer to anyone... Not even to myself.

It wasn't until I met someone who actually wanted to know what my dreams were and really wanted to try and make them happen for me. Then I found that there were people who honestly thought I could make something of myself. That I could make a difference somehow. People who tried really hard to help me realize that I NEEDED to make a difference, if for no-one else, then for myself. Up until now I thought I was only affecting MY life. But now... There is one other (little) person's opinion that I have to consider. The opinion of my impressionable little boy.

How can I possibly teach and encourage my son "to work hard towards his goals", "to believe nothing is impossible" and "to follow his dreams" when I haven't been doing that for myself? The answer is simple... Either I can become a hypocrite and lie to him about how "this is exactly where I want to be" and that "all my life's goals are completely fulfilled" and to "do as I say, not as I do..." In which the end result is me wandering this earth miserable as sh!t on the inside and loaded with regret. OR... I suck it up and work like hell to find my happiness so that I can be the kind of person that my son could look up to and be proud of.

Hmmm... Tough choice, right?

I think not! Now my only road block is... Where the hell do I start!?!?

*facepalm*

Blargh! I'm right back where I started!

But... At least this time I know what direction to head in... *phew*

Knit Project: Gotta Get Knittin'

Lots of stuff has been going on. So it's been a few days... A trip to the mainland for a friend's baby's first birthday. A congratulatory meeting with friends to celebrate the news of their first baby coming into their lives. And all this crazy sunny hot weather has made it impossible for us to stay inside...

So I have decided... that today... albeit another day with the beautiful sun out in the sky and the nice breeze blowing... Today WILL in fact... be an inside day for us. ^.^ not just an inside day but a quiet knitting inside day!

The thing is... I really do need to catch up on my TTTKAL knitting. Life has been so busy that I'm totally exhausted by my usual knitting time that I'm too tired to get any knitting done. And when I DO try to knit,  Bad things start to happen. I start nodding off mid-row and lose track of what I've done... or I zone out and I've messed up stitches so bad that I have to undo all the work I've done... or I've nodded off and awoken with a start by the fear that I'm about to impale myself with the needles while I'm knitting... :P But... Not today...

I finally got my needles this past weekend. I ordered the Knitter's Pride Comby Sampler Set.  It's an awesome little set with a pair of Symfonie Dreamz round wood needle tips in 4mm size, a pair of Symfonie Cubix square wood needle tips in 4.5mm size and a pair of Nova metal needle tips in 5mm size. So my plan is to try out the different types of needles and maybe see which type of needle I prefer and then maybe get a full set. Right now, I'm using the 4mm Symfonie Dreamz tips on my Gemini top for the knit along. It's knitting up pretty nicely. But sadly I underestimated how slowly knitting with smaller needles is.  So I'm plugging along as best as I can. And honestly? What better time is there than now? The house is relatively quiet (Kai is having some quiet time in his room) and I've got a great big cup of tea right beside me... So my needles say: *clickety clickety click*

^.^

Knit Project: Strathcona... Again.

So here is my SECOND attempt at the Strathcona...
I realized I read the pattern wrong and messed up the stitches in the first one :( But it still looked ok so I'm gonna finish it as is... But I at least wanted to knit one up properly. So, after consulting my knitting teacher/friend Rebecca & talking it out with my hubby, I figured out what I did wrong. And so here is the start of my new properly knitted Strathcona scarf.

The yarn is Cotton Cascata by Regia in the "Tugela" colourway. I totally fell in love with the colours and it's knitting up so nice. And now that I'm knitting it up properly... I can't wait to finish it!

Woot!

Knitting: My Rae Collection... So far... ~.^

I just absolutely LOVE this pattern! The Rae scarf is still one of my absolute favourite scarf patterns. However... A close second is one that I just started knitting up yesterday... The Strathcona... Stay tuned to find out how it's going... :D 

Jane Richmond is just fantastic!

Family: Sun!

The boy and I had an "ok" start this morning... Long story short we ended up settling our differences by having some quiet knitting time together... He was curious about knits & purls (or as he calls them: "Vs" & "bumps" ^.^) So we started him a pattern of 5 knits & 5 purls and he's recognizing what they look like as he's knitting them up. When he sees the Vs he knits... and when he sees the bumps he purls. It was so exciting to see the little lightbulb go off and his eyes just popped with the realization...  Then our delicate Mother/Son balance was restored :)

But then out came the sunshine! Woohoo! So we decided to get some fresh air. Today is the first time we've played outside this year. It was a bit chilly but we warmed things up by attempting a walk up the street but about half way up the street I remembered that a package was being delivered today and I REALLY wanted to be home to receive it. Sooo to make up for it we sprinted back just laughing and giggling all the way home... I never thought racing my son could be this fun! When we got home he was so wired that I had to quickly find the ball so he could start kicking it around. He's such an outside kid. That's his father in him... Sadly, not so much his mother (lousy allergies... and... and bugs.) :D lol!

Class Project: One Button Wonder... DONE!

Soooo... Here it is... FINALLY completed on March15th. I was humming and hawing about whether I should block it now or later. Hmmm... But there's so much going on right now... So I will probably save that for another time. I messed up a bit in the seaming and the style is not really suited for my shape but hey!  What the heck! It's all a learning experience for me. And besides... I just made a sweater. I MADE MY FIRST SWEATER EVAR!!! woo hoo!

So now to round off the things that I need to do now...
1. I WILL finish my Rae Scarf #4 this weekend so I can...
2. I get back to knitting up my Inara Cowl for springtime... before spring suddenly disappears on me :D

But thanks so much to Rebecca of nook for
being a super fantastic teacher and new friend!

*hugs to everyone*

Class Project: One Button Wonder... So Close!

So I buckled down last night and finished the raglan seams (Ugh!) and started on the yoke. It's not perfectly done but it's good enough for me right now. Plus... It's a sweater... I'm making a freaking sweater! Go me!

I'm at the point in the project where if I mess up a little, I record it in the book and learn from it for next time! But other than that, It's full steam ahead! Now all I have to do is finish the yoke, do the sides seams, weave in ends AND choose a button! Woohoo!

Family: My Darling Boy Likes Knitting!

So as I've mentioned... For about a month now my son has taken an interest in knitting (Woot! ^.^) and he's consistently getting better. His tension is becoming much more relaxed and he can chat and knit at the same time. It's really cute.  So he knits little squares and rectangles and my husband or I will bind them off when he's done with them... So I collect these little swatches and maybe I'll do something with them later. But I had to keep this one for myself...

He asked me to bind it off and I asked him if he wanted me to make it into a cuff to wear on his wrist. He said "Sure!" Then I finished it and handed it to him and he said to me. "It's ok Mommy. You can keep it."

Awww... SWEET!

New Design Project! The "Love Is..." Cowl

I had a skein of Punta Yarns Mericash yarn in baby pink and I wanted to make something cute and cozy. Just a few days before Valentine's Day and I had wanted to try making my own pattern of hearts using knits and purls. So I came up with this.

It's still in the design phase. The name is inspired by my mom's favourite little single-panel comic called "Love Is..." I thought it was a good fit.  So it's a combination of row of hearts then a few rows of openwork lace (the lace was mainly my husband's idea being the hopeless romantic that he is. ~.^)

So far it's looking pretty cute! We'll see how it turns out...

Family: Happy 1st BC Family Day!

What a way to celebrate our first Family Day in BC... It was grey and wet... but then again, what do you expect from the west coast? ;)

I showed my little boy how to knit with needles this morning and then I had to go get ready for our outing into downtown. When I had returned from getting ready, it turns out he had undone some of the knitting and needed/wanted some help with it. So he asked daddy to help him...

Now there are some dads out there that would have said to him, "Calm down and wait until mommy comes back" OR just plain... "Sorry, I can't help you. I don't know how."

But no... Not my darling husband (and this is why I love him so... ~.^)  He decided to go and find a youtube video on how to knit, watch it several times, learn how to do a "long-tail cast on" and the basic knit stitch so that he could try to figure out how help... all in about 30-45 minutes. I mean... Wow! I came downstairs and stood there and watched him learn to knit so that he could help our son... *bowing*

Then we all sat there in the living-room relaxing... and knitting. It was such a wonderful feeling to all be doing something together. ^.^

Of course now that my husband was understanding how knitting works... he started analyzing all this sweaters. It's so cool and fun to watch! :D

Then we headed downtown, checked out the "Family Day" festivities, then took a drive, came home and relaxed after quite an eventful day... *sigh*

Happy BC Family Day!

*hugs*