What a truly Wonderful Day!!!

I just have to say... 

*sigh* What A Day... What a truly WONDERFUL day!!!

It's rare that a "day with my son" is as heart-warming as today was. Time "together" gets easily lost in the everyday grind of daily life. And I found myself feeling a little sad... But then my little boy surprised me with a beautiful moment.

While my darling boy and I were having lunch, the "Cups (When I'm Gone)" song came on the radio in the Tim Hortons. He looked at me and we both started singing it (we love that song). Then he stopped to take a bite of his bagel, looked at me so sweetly and said, "Mommy, I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone*..." to which i replied "Awww... Me too, Sweetie!" and we smiled at each other with the biggest goofiest grins we could make. 

It was such a precious moment. And it will always be OURS. I want more of those moments... So I think i'm gonna have to make sure i have more days like these.    

*(just to clarify... the "gone" bit is referring to when he sometimes goes to Nana & Grampa's for a weekend" :D )

Me: So Many Changes... But They're Good Changes!

There are a lot of new and exciting things happening in and around our lives right now:

-I turned 40 and I am trying to figure out my career path...

-Mark is embarking on a new and exciting job of his own...

-Kai is turning 5 in October and has started French Immersion Kindergarten... and so far he LOVES it!

Kai: "Mommy, did you know that 'mouse' in French, is 'souris?' "
Me: "No Kai, I didn't know that. Did you learn that at school?"
Kai: "Yup!" *giggles like crazy*

-My dear ol' friends Ron and Jennie will be expecting their first child in a couple of months... Squee!

-My wonderful friends Kelly and her husband James had their second little boy, Thomas James. (That's him in the picture... In my defence, he had just woken up and was hungry. I hope that once he gets to know me better he'll smile with me in the next picture. *fingers crossed* As long as I don't come between him and his feedings :D But what an absolute cutie!)

-My lovely friend Missy is trying her hand at teaching clinical at UBC. And I KNOW she's kicking ass at it! Because she's incredibly awesome! Woot!

So many changes...

But I'm so full of crazy giddy optimism because they are all incredibly wonderful changes that is sure to bring more happies to everyone!

*love and hugs to all*

I Survived My Life So I Could Finally Live It!

"Jenn"
(Self-Portrait Using Crayola Crayons 64pk)

As the last few days of "my thirties" comes to an end and I'm thrust forward into a new decade, I find myself pondering...

What have I got to show for it? Well... Hmmm...

I look back and see a blur of the past twenty -to even as far back as thirty-five- years (yes I still have memories from when I was a wee little lass) and have come to conclusion that I think I've accomplished far more than I give myself credit for.

But right at this moment, my biggest personal accomplishment was that I survived.

I lived in a home where memories of bad times overshadowed any memories of good times.  I was surrounded by different kinds of abuse for a lot of my early life. The details may shock you... or they may not. But the moments were very real, they did happen and I will never forget how they have affected me. But I won't just list them here. If you want to know, just ask and I'll tell you. (*This is more for the people who only know half the story and want to know MY side of what I had to go through so that they can stop trying to guilt me into doing what THEY think the "right thing for me to do" is. So I leave it to you...) But I managed to get through it day by day. Hanging on to the promise of tomorrow. And much to my surprise...
I survived.

I wanted to continue into post secondary education. So I decided to go to college. Sadly, I didn't finish my schooling. But I definitely learned some valuable life skills in that time. I was learning what it meant to take responsibility for my actions and that I had no one to answer to but myself for my triumphs and my failures. I was learning to make hard (even heartbreaking) decisions. I was learning to bask in the pleasure of a good decision and learning what it meant to struggle in the regret of a poor decision. I was learning to search my heart for what I wanted and what I needed. I began a journey of self discovery. Going to college and realizing that I could choose my own path, was the first step. It was liberating. It was terrifying. But...
I survived.

I got a retail job while going to school and moved away from home and lived on Mister Noodles for months at a time...
I survived.

I lived on my own in a tiny little apartment for a time. The ultimate test of freedom and accountability...
I survived.

I found a wonderful job as a music teacher. Dealing with days and nights of trial and error. I was discovering what worked and what didn't work for each individual student. I was learning to trust my instincts and going with what I knew and then to successfully pass that knowledge onto my student. I loved seeing my students learning music. I loved listening to them. I loved seeing the moment that realization hit them when they understood what I was asking them to do.  I loved to see them doing well. I loved helping them when they were not doing so well... *sigh* Although it broke my heart to have to stop... I never forgot how much joy it brought me...
And I survived.

I fell in love... I found someone who would listen to me; someone who would help me get through my pain; someone who would fight for me; someone who loves me unconditionally. On occasion he was even someone who kicked my ass when I needed it. But don't get me wrong. It was rocky. There were challenges... There still are and I know there always will be. But...
I, and my heart, clearly survived and I know WE'LL survive together. ~.^

I got married... I managed to get through the wedding unscathed and beaming like a goof. I am one lucky girl. I've never felt more loved and cherished in all my life. I love my husband with all that I have and all that I am. He makes me feel strong. I couldn't possibly have found someone more perfect for me than him. I love what we have together. But as with everything... You need to work hard for the things that mean the most. In our relationship I learned a fabulous new word... COMPROMISE! :) My partnership with my husband is full of tougher decisions. But instead of them affecting just me, they now affect us. At first it was weird going from "me" to "us." It was certainly an adjustment. I had to swallow my pride... a lot! But again...
I survived.

I gave birth to my wonderful boy. I had an incredibly boring pregnancy only to be thrown more excitement than I thought I could handle when it came time to deliver the young lad into the world. From the induction of childbirth to my epidural malfunctioning. My husband was my rock. He was as strong as he needed to be to get me through it. I felt as though my world was going to end. And although I felt like I was going to die, I didn't. Hence...
I survived.

I'm a mommy now. The toughest role I could have ever imagined but at the same time the most rewarding. I've made mistakes and I've done things I'm not proud of. But I've learned that just because I'm a mommy doesn't mean I have all the answers. No one ever told me they were sorry while I was growing up. No one ever thought they were making any mistakes. I'm always learning. I'm always making a lot of right and wrong decisions. That will never go away. When the decision is right, it's magical how smoothly everything goes. But making the wrong decisions... that's where things get a bit hairy. But I will tell you that the most wonderful and beautiful thing about dealing with my poor decision is looking at my son, telling him how much I love him and how sorry I am. Then seeing him run into my arms to tell me "it's ok" and/or "I'm sorry, too!" And then hearing him tell me how much he loves me... As incredible as this mommyhood stuff is... will always be a challenge. But I know...
I'll survive.

(Hmmm... It's funny looking at everything laid out in front of me as I write this post. I see my view changing. This wasn't where I was planing to go with this post. But here I am... As I grow more confident and proud in the realization of where this is taking me... This is turning out to be quite the therapy for me. I needed to do this for me.)

Everything that has happened in my life has gotten me to THIS moment. I've learned so much. I've learned so much about myself. And I realize more and more that with each passing moment that I had "survived", I was on my way to living. Living a life of my own making. To be honest it now gives me a sense of pride knowing what I've done and all that I have accomplished to get where I am today...

So I will no longer question what I have to show for my years on this earth. I will simply say...

"Just look at me. I am here! I am living this life! THIS is what I have to show for it! And I couldn't be happier or more proud. So Forty (and beyond), Ready or not... Here I Come! Bring. It. ON!"

(I want to say thank you to the family and friends who have helped me along the way. Your guidance, support and love have been everything to me. I love you all so much! *love and hugs forever*)

Me: Well... What Do I Do Now?

"Eggcarton Tulip" by K (in preschool class)
"Beaded Bottle Decoration" by K (at home)

My darling boy is four and a half years old and he'll be going into kindergarten in the fall. Where has the time gone? It just seems like yesterday he was just learning to eat solid food.

*sigh*

I'm now at a point where I realize that for the past five years I've been a mommy (and of course a wife...) and really that's all. I like to think that I put everything I have into my family and for that I have absolutely no regrets. But as September grows closer I am finding it difficult to find purpose beyond what my life was these past five years...

I could try to go back to what I knew before my son came along. But I'm not the same person I was back then. My thoughts, dreams & goals were that of a completely different person. Sooo... What do I do now?

I have to admit I am a bit scared. I'm afraid of not knowing where I'm headed. My thoughts occupy two different poles. I either have no direction at all OR I feel scattered and stretched in all different directions. But honestly?  I'm mostly afraid of disappointing people with the choices I make. I know. I know. I shouldn't care... but... well... I do. And that's just part of who I am... It really is.

The thing is... I've grown up surrounded by disappointment, a serious lack of encouragement and a sense of little-to-no self worth. I was bombarded by this on a daily basis while growing up and it got to the point where I had become numb to all of it. All I knew was that I've disappointed people and people have grossly disappointed me. And that's just the way the world works. So I learned to NOT have any kind of expectations (whether high or low) for myself or for others around me. That way I didn't have to worry about disappointing others and they, in turn, couldn't disappoint me. Basically I didn't care and I didn't have to answer to anyone... Not even to myself.

It wasn't until I met someone who actually wanted to know what my dreams were and really wanted to try and make them happen for me. Then I found that there were people who honestly thought I could make something of myself. That I could make a difference somehow. People who tried really hard to help me realize that I NEEDED to make a difference, if for no-one else, then for myself. Up until now I thought I was only affecting MY life. But now... There is one other (little) person's opinion that I have to consider. The opinion of my impressionable little boy.

How can I possibly teach and encourage my son "to work hard towards his goals", "to believe nothing is impossible" and "to follow his dreams" when I haven't been doing that for myself? The answer is simple... Either I can become a hypocrite and lie to him about how "this is exactly where I want to be" and that "all my life's goals are completely fulfilled" and to "do as I say, not as I do..." In which the end result is me wandering this earth miserable as sh!t on the inside and loaded with regret. OR... I suck it up and work like hell to find my happiness so that I can be the kind of person that my son could look up to and be proud of.

Hmmm... Tough choice, right?

I think not! Now my only road block is... Where the hell do I start!?!?

*facepalm*

Blargh! I'm right back where I started!

But... At least this time I know what direction to head in... *phew*

Family: Where is the time going?!?

Seriously... Time? How could you steal my baby from me?

My baby boy is now about four and a half years old. When the heck did THAT happen? Don't worry... These feelings are nobody's fault but my own. Serve's me right for browsing old forgotten folders on my computer's desktop and finding fun little videos of my darling baby boy as an infant learning new things, as a toddler being goofy and as a kid just plain having fun. There his is... My little one... Helpless... and totally dependent on me.

Now it has come to my knowledge that he has a mind of his own. He has his own opinion of the world around him. And sadly, only ever seems to need his mommy when he needs to be driven places or to kiss his "owies" better. He's growing more and more IN-dependent and I'm having a really hard time letting him make his own decisions and seeing where they lead him...

Basically... I think I'm just having a hard time letting go... *sigh*

Plus... as if THAT wasn't enough of a kick in the gut... :D

Today was the Mother's Day pancake breakfast  at Kai's preschool. Where the teachers cooked chocolate chip pancakes for everyone. Then afterwards each child presented their mom with a gift. A ceramic tile with their handprint on it and a huge card with their hand cutouts representing flowers.

The poem on the card reads:

"I miss you when we're not together,

I'm growing up so fast.

See how big I've gotten,

Since you saw me last?

As I grow, I'll change a lot,

The years will fly right by.

You'll wonder how I grew so quick,

When and where and why?

So save this card in a safe place, 

And take it out each year.

THe memories will come back of me,

When I was small and dear."

Talk about Awwwwww.... :')

Me: Wrong Side Of the Bed...

Sometimes I just need to stop for just a moment... Today was definitely no exception.

I woke up exhausted and grumpy. Oddly enough it was from too much sleep. Who would have thought? So as the morning goes on I can feel myself getting more and more annoyed. My foul mood is just getting worse by the second. So as I'm angrily doing dishes I look on the window sill and what do I see? My calm jar. It's sitting there on the sill and the sun is shining through it. It's so beautiful. I pick it up, give it a shake and just watch... I watch the iridescent hearts and glitter swirl around and slowly fall to the bottom of the jar and it makes me stop and think for a moment. One moment. I take that moment to just take a breath... I take that moment to close my eyes and just let go...

And then suddenly I'm in my happy place...

And once I'm there... Everything is alright.

Family: Sun!

The boy and I had an "ok" start this morning... Long story short we ended up settling our differences by having some quiet knitting time together... He was curious about knits & purls (or as he calls them: "Vs" & "bumps" ^.^) So we started him a pattern of 5 knits & 5 purls and he's recognizing what they look like as he's knitting them up. When he sees the Vs he knits... and when he sees the bumps he purls. It was so exciting to see the little lightbulb go off and his eyes just popped with the realization...  Then our delicate Mother/Son balance was restored :)

But then out came the sunshine! Woohoo! So we decided to get some fresh air. Today is the first time we've played outside this year. It was a bit chilly but we warmed things up by attempting a walk up the street but about half way up the street I remembered that a package was being delivered today and I REALLY wanted to be home to receive it. Sooo to make up for it we sprinted back just laughing and giggling all the way home... I never thought racing my son could be this fun! When we got home he was so wired that I had to quickly find the ball so he could start kicking it around. He's such an outside kid. That's his father in him... Sadly, not so much his mother (lousy allergies... and... and bugs.) :D lol!