What a truly Wonderful Day!!!

I just have to say... 

*sigh* What A Day... What a truly WONDERFUL day!!!

It's rare that a "day with my son" is as heart-warming as today was. Time "together" gets easily lost in the everyday grind of daily life. And I found myself feeling a little sad... But then my little boy surprised me with a beautiful moment.

While my darling boy and I were having lunch, the "Cups (When I'm Gone)" song came on the radio in the Tim Hortons. He looked at me and we both started singing it (we love that song). Then he stopped to take a bite of his bagel, looked at me so sweetly and said, "Mommy, I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone*..." to which i replied "Awww... Me too, Sweetie!" and we smiled at each other with the biggest goofiest grins we could make. 

It was such a precious moment. And it will always be OURS. I want more of those moments... So I think i'm gonna have to make sure i have more days like these.    

*(just to clarify... the "gone" bit is referring to when he sometimes goes to Nana & Grampa's for a weekend" :D )

Family: Wow! That's Some Imagination...

It may look like he's tinkering "under the hood of a car" or something but this little guy is actually using his toy wooden screws, nuts, screw driver and wrench to attach wooden pieces (from the Melissa & Doug Take-Along Tool Kit) in the handle/space on top of the stool. 

It bought tears to my eyes to see his imagination take off like this... For awhile there it was all about logic and "making sense" but it's nice to see him pretending and playing with his toys now. He even brought up his traffic cone from downstairs to make it look like he was doing construction! Lol! Yay!

But I think the most awesome (and frightening ^.^) thing about this picture was that just before he started doing this, he was looking through that "101 Things to Make & Do On the Weekend by Rob Beattie" book. He absolutely loves it! Of course, he did laugh out loud when he saw that there was a project for making a piggy bank... But he got really excited when he saw the scooter and go-cart... Eep!

:D

I LOVE IT!

Me: Well... What Do I Do Now?

"Eggcarton Tulip" by K (in preschool class)
"Beaded Bottle Decoration" by K (at home)

My darling boy is four and a half years old and he'll be going into kindergarten in the fall. Where has the time gone? It just seems like yesterday he was just learning to eat solid food.

*sigh*

I'm now at a point where I realize that for the past five years I've been a mommy (and of course a wife...) and really that's all. I like to think that I put everything I have into my family and for that I have absolutely no regrets. But as September grows closer I am finding it difficult to find purpose beyond what my life was these past five years...

I could try to go back to what I knew before my son came along. But I'm not the same person I was back then. My thoughts, dreams & goals were that of a completely different person. Sooo... What do I do now?

I have to admit I am a bit scared. I'm afraid of not knowing where I'm headed. My thoughts occupy two different poles. I either have no direction at all OR I feel scattered and stretched in all different directions. But honestly?  I'm mostly afraid of disappointing people with the choices I make. I know. I know. I shouldn't care... but... well... I do. And that's just part of who I am... It really is.

The thing is... I've grown up surrounded by disappointment, a serious lack of encouragement and a sense of little-to-no self worth. I was bombarded by this on a daily basis while growing up and it got to the point where I had become numb to all of it. All I knew was that I've disappointed people and people have grossly disappointed me. And that's just the way the world works. So I learned to NOT have any kind of expectations (whether high or low) for myself or for others around me. That way I didn't have to worry about disappointing others and they, in turn, couldn't disappoint me. Basically I didn't care and I didn't have to answer to anyone... Not even to myself.

It wasn't until I met someone who actually wanted to know what my dreams were and really wanted to try and make them happen for me. Then I found that there were people who honestly thought I could make something of myself. That I could make a difference somehow. People who tried really hard to help me realize that I NEEDED to make a difference, if for no-one else, then for myself. Up until now I thought I was only affecting MY life. But now... There is one other (little) person's opinion that I have to consider. The opinion of my impressionable little boy.

How can I possibly teach and encourage my son "to work hard towards his goals", "to believe nothing is impossible" and "to follow his dreams" when I haven't been doing that for myself? The answer is simple... Either I can become a hypocrite and lie to him about how "this is exactly where I want to be" and that "all my life's goals are completely fulfilled" and to "do as I say, not as I do..." In which the end result is me wandering this earth miserable as sh!t on the inside and loaded with regret. OR... I suck it up and work like hell to find my happiness so that I can be the kind of person that my son could look up to and be proud of.

Hmmm... Tough choice, right?

I think not! Now my only road block is... Where the hell do I start!?!?

*facepalm*

Blargh! I'm right back where I started!

But... At least this time I know what direction to head in... *phew*

Family: Sun!

The boy and I had an "ok" start this morning... Long story short we ended up settling our differences by having some quiet knitting time together... He was curious about knits & purls (or as he calls them: "Vs" & "bumps" ^.^) So we started him a pattern of 5 knits & 5 purls and he's recognizing what they look like as he's knitting them up. When he sees the Vs he knits... and when he sees the bumps he purls. It was so exciting to see the little lightbulb go off and his eyes just popped with the realization...  Then our delicate Mother/Son balance was restored :)

But then out came the sunshine! Woohoo! So we decided to get some fresh air. Today is the first time we've played outside this year. It was a bit chilly but we warmed things up by attempting a walk up the street but about half way up the street I remembered that a package was being delivered today and I REALLY wanted to be home to receive it. Sooo to make up for it we sprinted back just laughing and giggling all the way home... I never thought racing my son could be this fun! When we got home he was so wired that I had to quickly find the ball so he could start kicking it around. He's such an outside kid. That's his father in him... Sadly, not so much his mother (lousy allergies... and... and bugs.) :D lol!

Family: My Darling Boy Likes Knitting!

So as I've mentioned... For about a month now my son has taken an interest in knitting (Woot! ^.^) and he's consistently getting better. His tension is becoming much more relaxed and he can chat and knit at the same time. It's really cute.  So he knits little squares and rectangles and my husband or I will bind them off when he's done with them... So I collect these little swatches and maybe I'll do something with them later. But I had to keep this one for myself...

He asked me to bind it off and I asked him if he wanted me to make it into a cuff to wear on his wrist. He said "Sure!" Then I finished it and handed it to him and he said to me. "It's ok Mommy. You can keep it."

Awww... SWEET!

Family: Whirlwind Of A Week...

This week was a crazy whirlwind. One of my dearest & closest friends came to the island to spend 4 days visiting with her darling nine month old baby boy. Although it was something new to adjust to, I think the visit went wonderfully. The most adjustment had to come from my darling little boy.

Adjusting to a baby's schedule brought back some memories. Sleep times, wake times, nap times (*sigh* I wish sometimes...), feedings and diaper changes (diapers... eep!) But we made through the visit. And I find myself missing what she has with her baby... But I also appreciate and cherish all the the things that my boy can do now... And what SHE has to look forward to.

It was a very new experience for him to have to share toys at home because we rarely have play-dates at our house. Our place is little so, when we are invited, we usually go out to a park or go to another friend's house. But another new experience for him was that he was dealing with a baby. A baby that got everyone's attention in the house. Mine included...

After they left I tried to reconnect with my son by doing all the things we enjoy doing as mother and son. Like having a relaxing lunch at Tim Hortons and sitting quietly together and knitting.

But most of all I love that my wonderful friend came to visit me. We got to sit and get to know each other again but this time as mommies. We knitted and I got her to knit in the round. Something she has never done and I showed her how to do an openwork lacy stitch. Then she bound it off and has a cute little cowl so she will always remember our little visit. We rekindled old memories and discovered some new things about each other. All in all it was one of the most fantastic visits I've had in a very long time.

Thank you M for coming to see me,
Love & hugs always...